By Rebecca Northfield
Let’s just say it’s been a while since I’ve done this blog, so I thought I would make a whopper edition of BTPT, packed with the most bizarre gadgets I’ve encountered this year.
You’re trying to get your steak just right. Yet every time you try to dabble in perfectly cooking a slice of cow bum, you can’t seem to get that fine line between medium and super well-done, so you end up chewing on a bit of leather. Because that’s how horrifically bad you are at cooking.
Well, there’s an app and frying pan combo for that. Enter Pantelligent. Described as the ‘must-have gadget for your kitchen’, this is a Bluetooth-connected smart frying pan that sends temperature data to an app on your smartphone.
It assures perfect results every time for even the worst cook in the world. It tells you when to put your food in the pan, when to turn it over and when to serve. This is the ‘hold your hand every step of the way so you don’t actually try something yourself’ gadget. Oh, and there’s an autopilot mode so you can just let the magic happen without even using your initiative.
The whole ‘practice makes perfect’ saying is made redundant with this piece of technology. Pantelligent is basically the get-out-of jail-free card for someone who has no concept of patience, or is one hell of a bad chef.
You’ll have to pay £169.99 though, which is more than some cooking lessons.
Intelligent cooking = another addition to the ‘Seriously?’ pile.
NWD Funeral Urns
Well, this is a thing. I didn’t know that you could combine fashion with ashes.
Apparently, this French company is trying to take the taboo out of looking good when you’re a pile of dust.
Their collection of stylish urns is bound to turn some heads when you’re up on the mantelpiece, looking dapper whilst dead. Work those angles.
NWD (Next World In Design) use colour, design and fine materials so you’re comfortable yet fashionable as they put your burned remains into something you won’t even care about. Because you’ll be dead.
Aesthetically, they look pretty cool. Yet the idea of someone’s urn being considered the forefront of fashion and beauty doesn’t really thrill me.
Each to their own, I suppose.
If you want to get your hands on the latest trends in human debris boxes, check out their website. Coming in at around €540, that’s one expensive death accessory.
‘Wellington’ self-stabilising table
You pop into your favourite pub, go to the bar, order your regular and sit at a free table to enjoy your pint.
When you put the beverage on the table, your joy turns to horror as you realise that the drink is sitting at a slight angle. You push on the table edge – and it wobbles.
Worst. Day. Ever.
What can you do? Thinking that a wooden leg is to blame, you try to stuff coasters under the villainous thing to bring equilibrium to your life. You push gently on the table again. It still wobbles. You collect more coasters and put it on the corresponding leg. This has to be it. Push again. Nope. It’s still suffering from the wibbles.
You continue your coaster-stuffing experiment until you realise all you’ve done is raise the table a couple of inches higher and it’s still the same unstable piece of carpentry.
Woe is you, as you try to find another surface to rest your now-flat beer.
If this is your idea of a nightmare, then you will appreciate UK-based FLAT Technologies Ltd and Carlick Contract Furniture Ltd bringing out their ‘Wellington’ self-stabilising table.
The tables have FLAT® inside in the base, which means the ‘Wellington’ doesn’t have a problem on uneven surfaces, keeping it nice and horizontal.
If a rickety table is bringing you down, have a look here to buy one of your own.
According to Electric Radiators Direct, this radiator knows when you’re coming home. Creepy.
The Haverland Smartwave range is intelligent and adaptable, using motion sensor technology to learn your weekly routine.
Called the SmartWave initiative, Electric Radiators Direct thinks that this tech will revolutionise heating control by conserving your energy.
Enabling a radiator to know you is one step closer to radiators controlling the world.
Also, for normal heating of houses, you can pretty much schedule when the radiators turn on, without the need for a smart one, so this is a bit of a moot piece of technology.
Dog activity monitor
Like a Fitbit for dogs.
I don’t quite get it. It’s not as if your pooch can have a look at its progress and see how it’s improving.
Fitbit helps motivate the aspiring athlete inside you to do more.
You’re pretty much aware of how much exercise your dog is getting though.
Your dog doesn’t really care about its fitness, or weight. It cares about sleeping, pooping, eating and getting cuddles from you. Exercise is just an added bonus. Their excitement when going for a walk is great and they’re not thinking about their waistline or heart rate.
PitPat is the company trying to sell yet another wearable, but now for your canine. Good luck with that.
This ‘music meets fashion’ piece is 100 per cent washable and supersoft. Also, it has headphones that you don’t need to remove. In your hoodie’s drawcord.
Simply stick the drawcord into your ears and try to pull the look off without seeming like a crazy person.
Seriously, if someone says they would wear this, they’d be lying.
Looking like you’ve casually put string from your clothing into your ears whilst bopping your head is never a good idea. It’s a sure fire way to get a one-way ticket to the madhouse.
Just check out the video. Even the coolest person instantly looks like a doofus. They’re trying to make it cool with all the beautiful people. It just isn’t working.
Why not try a hoodiebuddie? You can appear ridiculous whilst listening to the latest banging tunes.
Its hook: ‘a device for sharing music with your baby and for stimulating the baby’s development during pregnancy.’
So where do you think the baby’s speaker goes?
Apparently, because the music is streamed that way, babies move their mouths to try and communicate, especially if they don’t like your taste in music. Perhaps BABYMETAL could be appropriate?
Bond with your baby/cause it to resent you because you disturbed its tranquil waterworld.